Just about every weekday, I attempt to write something of value about marketing, to a small set of readers. Then, to make myself miserable, I open a daily email that contains five blog posts from various “gurus,” handpicked and sponsored by American Express’s widely read small business community, known as the OPEN Forum.
F*ck me. If this is advice that actual small business owners in America are relying on, we better start practicing our jumping jacks, comrade.
Here’s a verbatim sample of the stinkfest from JUST ONE WEEK of posts from OPEN Forum.
Check out these blog headlines (emphasis added by yours truly):
- Why Always Being Available Is Killing Your Business
- 10 Personality Traits That Kill Entrepreneurship
- 12 Fatal Sales Mistakes To Avoid
Turns out that running a small business is a 24/7 death trap. Who knew?
Blow Hard, Blowhard
Look at these two:
- 7 Ways The iPad 2 Can Transform Your Business
Bite me. Definition of transform = “markedly change the nature of.” The only thing an iPad will transform is your bank balance.
- 5 Steps to a Lanndig Page That Converts Like Crazy
That’s, like, crazy. To prove how sane this guru isn’t, here is actual step #1 – “Decide what you want your visitors to buy once they've reached your landing page.” Um, no, that decision would have been made about three years earlier, when you wrote your business plan.
Why would someone waste your time like these two?
- 5 Easy Ways to Green Your Business
Tip #3 = “Consider telecommuting.” What every business has been doing since NINETEEN-NINETY-FIVE.
- How To Create Luck In Business And In Life
Oxy, meet moron.
From the world of duh.
- 11 Startup Lessons From A Successful Female CEO
Including these three shockers: “Be courageous……Have a strategy…Be in charge.” Silly me, I thought that last one was already in the CEO’s job description.
- The Importance Of A First Impression
- How To Get Attention Meaningfully
As shitasmic as these were (and in those five days, there were many, many more), none can hold a candle to Virgin’s Sir Richard Branson, whose company we are starting to regret ever singling out as a well-managed brand.
In his latest OPEN piece, “When Small Business Owners Think Big,” Branson rambles all over the lot, then finally trots out a conclusion:
“Whatever route you decide to take as you expand your business, make sure that it builds on your company's past successes, and that it fits with the corporate culture and the vision for the future that you and your team have created.”
In other words, make sure where you are now is a result of where you came from, and that you are pointed in the direction you are going.
You can almost picture him in his private jet spitting out his champagne in laughter after dictating that line of sh&t to his secretary to type up.
Welcome to the real world of blogging.