Lairig Marketing

"It’s Done. It’s Done."

Qouth William Daniels as John Adams in 1776, as the vote for American independence passed the Continental Congress and the Declaration was approved.

And so say I, for the Lairig Marketing blog. Loyal readers will know this is not the first time I’ve reached this point, but finally after 12 months I see the light. What can I say - I’m a slow learner.

And an idealist.

This blog launched January 3rd, with the intent of providing perspective you couldn’t get elsewhere, the metaphor of "lairig" meaning to follow your own path, not the herd. By definition, though, that made building a sustained readership (i.e., a small herd at least) near impossible.

When it comes to Marketing, the overwhelming majority of blog readers prefer the latest digital trends, social media, meta discussions about agency sausage, and hero worship. What I offer is mundane and way off topic. It took a long time to admit it.

I’ve done everything the text books suggest to build readership, with the lone exception of mutual masturbation of fellow bloggers. To me, that stands in opposition to "following one’s own path."

Although immensely time consuming (since I strove for high quality), it was fun creating 200-some posts on topics of every stripe, and I appreciate loyal readers’ support along the way. Cheers to you for the New Year.

Marketing is a strange beast, so indulge me this parting wisdom.

Resist the tidings of “gurus” like Deutsch, Popcorn, and Passikoff, as well as the dozens upon dozens of social media yogis who are sprung on a daily basis from whole cloth. Try not to be deceived by “commentary” and blogs that are nothing more than public relations in drag. And best of luck with the TwitterNazis.

If you want a solid assessment of where things are headed, listen to customers and consumers. They get the first vote, the last vote, and all the votes in between. No one else matters.

“For if I’m the one to do it, they’ll run their quill pens through it…”

Your Obedient,

Kevin Horne

Heineken Good, Guinness Bad. No Taste Test Required.

Not sure what took so long, but after success in Europe and Asia, Heineken just opened its first branded “lounge” in a U.S. airport. God knows Newark’s Terminal C could use a distraction or two to keep passengers from realizing how small they are. The Heineken Lounge will feature free Wifi and, reportedly, “private cabanas.” Say what?

Continuing our earlier theme of experiential marketing, this is a smart marketing move by Heineken.

The Target
Yes, the brewer caught the travel industry at a bad time, but it is well documented that everyone who travels drinks. Even pilots have been known to imbibe just prior to boarding.

The Place
The only setting less uplifting than an airport terminal is a dentist’s waiting room. Heineken could have simply placed two fake palm trees around two kegs in a broom closet and improved on the sterile environment that is today’s “modern” airline terminal. Kudos to Delaware North, the company that helped Heineken pull this off.

The Customer Life Stage
OK, so this isn’t like going from marriage to retirement, but sometimes you feel as if you have passed through a life stage or two waiting and waiting and waiting for your plane. The airport experience stinks on ice, and there’s nothing better than a cold brew to mark the occasion(s). The lounge opens at 9 AM daily. QED.

The Verdict
If just 1% of the passengers who visit the lounge catch themselves the next time they’re about to order at the hometown bar and say, “wait, let me have a Heineken draft instead,” then Heineken should be doing cartwheels.

Guinness, Schmuinness
On the other hand, Guinness wins the “Tin Ear Asshat Award” for its current TV spot showing young revelers going back to work after a night at the pub and playing with the lights across the top-four floors of their office tower. Here we are in the middle of “Green” and an energy crisis, and Guinness thinks it cool to flick lights on and off.

Which goes to show ya…a funny drunk is always drunk, but not always funny.

Why The Pet Industry Is So Big - An Ode To My Little Black Cat

Ever wonder how the U.S. pet industry grew to an estimated $40 billion in annual sales? How could people spend that amount of money on food, toys, veterinary care, medicines, and other sundry items?

Because you can find a cat on the street when she’s 3-months old and make her a part of your family for 19 years.

Because even though cats sort of look and act the same, deep down each has his or her own unique personality.

Because you might get tired of your pets sometimes, but they never get tired of you.

Because a cat can recognize your footsteps coming up the lobby stairs and be at the door before you open it.

Because a cat can understand what the first twist of a can opener’s knob means.

Because some cats can learn to like a two-hour drive in the car to the country house.

Because if a cat could talk, she would say your four favorite words: “let’s take a nap.”

Because no matter how bad your day was, when you get home your cat will love you like she has everyday for 19 years.

Because a cat can make a grown man blog.

Because a cat does not go easy unto death.

Because you can wake up every morning and your cat will be right there. Until one morning when she isn’t.

Because a cat can break your heart when you first meet her, and then do it again years later when you have to let her go.

Sleep in peace, little Pua. Nineteen years go by so fast. I’ll never forget you.

That spot by the pillow will always be yours, Pua. I’ll put my hand to it every night and pretend you are there. Sweet dreams.

Old People Rule !!!

On Saturday, Floyd Norris of the New York Times looked under the hood of unemployment data. And the world’s craftiest economist hit another home run.

Norris found that joblessness in this recession discriminates by age, with younger people suffering worst. Maybe no surprise there. But what he uncovered at the high (read: old) end of the spectrum was - there are more and more older people working (as opposed to UNemployed) each month.

This confirms something I referenced when I nominated Northwestern Mutual for co-winner of worst print ad of the year. Its god-awful creative of old people fly-fishing, golfing, floating in inner tubes…ALL IN ONE PICTURE. And could there be a worse time in history, other than the Great Depression, to be running around with the tagline “Let Your Worries Go” ???

As I said then, and the data show now, people are postponing retirement because they need to get to 65, never mind live beyond it.

Here’s the simple equation, in reverse:

• Retirement
• Nest egg
• Years of saving
• Income

If you don’t have income and savings, you can’t get nest egg and retirement. Simple.

I feel sorry for all the financial managers, planners and advisors who keep pounding the table on retirement. Witness Fidelity’s promotion of a “retirement” charge card, where you can earn 2% on current purchases, and apparently have enough to retire on, years from now. Which means just to get by on year-one of retirement, I must make around $3 million worth of charges to my card, every year, starting right now.

One more interesting data point: every two minutes in this country, another 15 people turn 60-years-old.

Two minutes. Roughly the amount of time in a whole year an older person spends thinking about retirement.

The Best Mutual Fund Customer Newsletter - Baron Funds

There was little opportunity to escape the carnage this year. Investors have nearly $10 trillion in U.S. mutual funds, which own about a quarter of the shares of U.S. companies. With rare exception, investors have significantly less money on account now than at the beginning of the year.

You would expect the newsletters we receive from our fund managers to go into some detail about what’s gone wrong and what plans they have to keep our remaining money safe…and maybe even how they intend to earn some of it back.

According to a recent item on Yahoo News, you would be wrong.

Most funds are acting as if the events of 2007/2008 are the normal ups and downs of the market. The article notes that no funds have gone negative on the financial services companies that got us into this mess - no bad write-ups in their customer newsletters and certainly no use of voting power to introduce needed corporate-governance reforms.

I receive newsletters from six fund companies. Over the past year, five of them have done nothing more than advise “stay the course,” and upsell and cross-sell as if I had the desire to throw good money after bad.

But the sixth newsletter has forever marched to its own beat. Baron Funds has only seven mutual funds. Yet each quarter I get ten times the information and analysis and reassurance than from the other five combined.

Baron’s newsletter isn’t written by professional copywriters nor outsourced nor delivered on glossy paper. It is written by Ron Baron and his fund managers. It goes into detail about the companies in each fund - how it makes money, why Baron has invested, and the medium to long-term outlook.

Stories, history, cornball jokes, and completely made up rules of punctuation, grammar and syntax. Therein lies its beauty. You feel like a part of the family.

If you want to know what Ron Baron thinks about what’s gone wrong this year, you can read it yourself. Unlike other fund companies who have dodged it, Baron pre-empted his third-quarter newsletter with the transcript of his speech at Baron’s annual investors conference. It is available at baronfunds.com. You don’t even have to be a customer to get access to it.

Sounds like a throwback to a distant time, no? Sometimes that’s the best kind of marketing there is.