Lairig Marketing

It’s Back. It’s Back. “Bravely.”

We flipped a coin, and lost. Lairig Marketing is back. Fifty days have passed since we closed up the blog shop, early last December. In all that time, absolutely nothing new has been written in the marketing-sphere.

In fact, it has gone exactly as we said it would in 2011’s final post: All Facebook, Twitter, Google, Apple, and P&G. And, oh yeah, for the sixth year in a row, this will be The Year of Mobile.

It is so bad, we’ve unsubscribed from Ad Age and AdWeek. If it weren’t for George Parker, there would be no reason to open the computer each morning.

Maybe it’s time to get an academic perspective on marketing. Let’s consult with the #1-rated Marketing MBA program in the U.S. – Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management.

Oops.

Last summer, Kellogg’s new dean embarked on a long journey to remake the school. And just like the “new CMO” phenomenon we see so often in the private sector, she spearheaded the development of a new marketing campaign. Complete with a new tagline.

Ready?

“Think Bravely.”

Grammatically suspect, Kellogg’s tagline is one part derivative (see: Apple, circa 1997), and one part off-kilter. As cynical as this might sound, people don’t get an MBA for the experience. The school each one chooses is based on which will deliver the best outcome. How would a Kellogg committee of its best and brightest miss this?

Lead Bravely, maybe. Or Manage Bravely. Or Get Rich Bravely. Whatever.

The "Kellogg Marketing Makeover" team didn’t stop at just a tagline. A manifesto was developed, along with a video touting the school’s new point of view. It would seem the team consulted the famous bullshit generator.

Here is Kellogg’s new brand mantra: “We believe business can be bravely led [ed.: then why not Lead Bravely as the tagline?], passionately collaborative, and world changing.”

They couldn’t stop themselves. Alongside the new brand video is this: “Intellectually Vibrant. Innovative. Socially Engaged.” (Can a person be engaged without being social?)

Perhaps in a later post, we’ll dissect the buzzword-filled, nonintuitive and often contradictory script for the “Think Bravely” video. Or how, in another video on Kellogg’s website, the dean summarizes the new brand essence as “thinking outside the box,” a term so old it now induces derisive laughter when said in a business setting.

For now, though, let’s end with this question: Why didn’t the dean focus on the data that indicates less than one of every five Kellogg MBA grads takes a job in Marketing?

We have enough “innovators” and “collaborators.” What we don’t have enough of are “brave” marketers.

It’s Done. It’s Done. Again.

Here we are, once again, near the end of another calendar year. And the end of our blogging year.

Another 200 or so posts, with real marketing strategies assessed, points of view covered nowhere else, and predictions made that no one else would dare. In a year where 95% of the marketing industry’s attention was placed on Facebook, Twitter, Google (times five), iPads, Apple and P&G, Lairig Marketing took a run at just about everything else.

As proof, we challenge you to go back to Google’s blog search (odds are that’s how you got here in the first place) and type in “Lairig Marketing and [insert any marketer or marketing issue].” Chances are you’ll get lucky.

To toot our own horn(e), we were especially proud of the following:

• Predicting the Netflix collapse, almost to the day
• Getting the cord cutting story right, when no one else did
• Getting the paywall story right, when no one else did
• Calling the crest in private label growth
• Taking struggling brands like Campbell’s Soup, Martha Stewart, and Sears to the woodshed

Writing about this stuff every day is incredibly hard, especially when it flies in the face of conventional thinking. There’s way too much of the latter. And, we know for certain, there is little that a single tiny blog can do to successfully challenge it.

The pulse we’ll take over the near term are the comment sections on industry trade sites. Even though Facebook is now contaminating this part of the Web experience in addition to everything else it has touched, it will be interesting to see if more people comment and if their responses are less “huzzah” and more “I call bullsh*t.”

Lairig Marketing did it all year, on this blog and in the comments of MediaPost, Ad Age, et al. We are exhausted.

So we take your leave, once again using the immortal words and pictures of John Adams (actually the superb William Daniels playing John Adams in 1776): “It’s done. It’s done.”

Oh that we’ve done enough.

Your obedient,

Start Your Hmmmm File Folder For 2012 Now

Lairig Marketing is just one day from winding down for the year. That means, as of next Monday, you’re on your own as far as finding useful marketing and business information goes. So much garbage “research” and “analysis” and “advice” to sort through, most of it the same old junk, recycled for the hundredth time (“Five Surefire Ways To Be An Expert Innovator Like Steve Jobs” blah blah).

Here is a suggestion to help you churn through it all. Keep a separate folder somewhere in or on whatever it is you use to access “written” content on the Web – a laptop, an iThingie, whatever. Label the folder something that represents information that goes against the grain, opposed to the typical party line, interesting items that no one else seems to notice or know how to incorporate into his or her analysis. Use “Hmmmm” as a label if you can’t think of anything.

Save stuff into it like these tidbits we’ve collected over the past few months.

OK, Maybe All Kids Aren’t All Digital Savvy
“A study by Ypulse found that fewer than one in five students have ever used [QR codes] and nearly two thirds of students have no idea what they are.”

Don't Phone It In
According to PwC research fewer than 25% of survey repsondents “had an interest in watching premium video on smartphones. PwC said the lack of enthusiasm for mobile video is consistent with research it has done over the last 18 months.”

Like You? No, But I Love Your Discounts!
“The top reason for following or liking a brand, company or celebrity on social networking sites is to receive discounts and special offers, according to a recent survey of global online consumers conducted by Nielsen. North American consumers showed the strongest interest in using social media for deals (45%)…”

Build It Well And They Will Pay
"Condé Nast is the latest publisher to claim a boom in digital magazine sales from the launch of Apple’s Newsstand…the publisher says that new subscription sales, per week, across nine digital editions, was up 268%, with single copy sales up 142% compared to the previous eight weeks."

Influence On The Run?
“According to a Forrester study…the percentage of U.S. online adults who use geolocation apps has grown to 6% [ed.: WOW!!!]…early adopters are…twice as likely as the average U.S. adult online to share product information, but they are also more likely to share promotional coupons, discount codes, or the results of a game they’ve played.”

Save this one off as a reminder to look for future research, focused instead on the recipients of all this narcissistic pestering. Let’s see how much influence these influencers really have.

It’s Not The Tactic, It’s The Overall Value Proposition
“American blazed a path for the airline industry to switch to a la carte pricing for checked bags in 2008.” American is now (officially and financially) bankrupt. Southwest (no bag fees) is profitable.

Whether or not you ever go back into it, just the process of filling up your “Hmmm” file is going to make you a much better marketer.

Whether or not it will make you a more trusting person is hard to say.

Mayor Koch Moments #10 & #11 – How’m I Doin’?

Yikes, just three days to go before we close the books on the year. We need to finish off our look back at 2011 predictions. Here’s what Lairig Marketing predicted in December 2010 for October and November 2011:

October: “Associated Content announces it has published its one-millionth article that begins with the words ‘Five Reasons You Should...’ Demand Media immediately publishes a story ‘Five Reasons You Should Know We Reached a Million Five Reasons Stories First!’ ”

November: “The business press can’t keep up with the rash of stories about CEOs being dismissed, including one sweaty bald guy out west. Only one reporter discovers that not a single CMO was named as a CEO replacement.”

The first item was in jest, of course. Both of these garbage mills changed their form over 2011. Yahoo absorbed Associated Content into something it now calls Yahoo Voices. New name, same junk, however.

Here are three headlines from Yahoo Voices current top five Marketing articles:

• 31 Ways To Establish Yourself As An Expert
• 5 (!!!) Secrets of SEO Writing
• Choosing A Font For Your Blog

Hmmm. I wonder if Lairig Marketing’s font choice is where we went wrong.

Meanwhile, Demand Media continues to pull its junk together under sexy sounding brands such as LIVESTRONG (ALL CAPS !!!) and the ever-USELESS eHow. Even if DMD were to improve all this content, its craptastic navigation will prevent you from finding it.

As for our November prediction, we got it half right. The next Reality TV subgenre should focus on CEOs being shown the door – Yahoo, HP, BNY Mellon, Standard & Poor’s, Mercedes-Benz, Reader’s Digest, et al. But dammit to hell – how is Steve Ballmer still CEO of Microsoft?!?!?

Losses continue in MSFT’s “Online Services” division (as we’ve reported three times over the years) to the tune of TWO BILLION a year. The latest survey on Windows tablets says no one wants one. The Nokia smartphone partnership is a circus.

And Microsoft’s new ad campaign – “It’s a great time to be a family” – is light years out of touch with reality. Let’s start with the fact that less than half of U.S. households are now led by married couples. Then add the gluttonous portrayal in the TV spots of families buried under E-devices of every type. Tin ear.

How much longer will shareholders let this data point ride: stock price in 2003 = $25; stock price today = $25. Talk about money under a mattress.

When will Microsoft shareholders finally catch a little of that Monkey Boy Energy?

Why Unemployment Will Never Fall Below 8%. Ever Again.

Corporate executives have finally eaten Marketing’s cooking. At last they appreciate what it is that Marketing does – get customers to fall for dubious claims – so now these managers believe they can run their hiring process the same way. How ironic that the shadiest job specifications are for the Marketing department.

Case in point – a job spec for a Director of Marketing at Logicworks, a managed hosting company. Here are excerpts from every line item posted for this opportunity:

"The Director of Marketing will be responsible for the following activities and initiatives:

Product Launches – …finalizing and implementing a more formal product launch process to ensure standardized collateral…

Marketing Events – Plan and execute ongoing events ranging from thought-leadership dinners and tech meet-ups to social gatherings and breakfast presentations...Manage end-to-end…from concept to logistics to post-event lead analysis.

Web Site Maintenance – …ensuring press releases, new product promotions and other announcements are added to the website in a timely and consistent manner.

Collateral Development – Provide copywriting and layout guidance to graphic designers…

Google – …manage the company’s PPC campaigns…optimize the campaigns…implement landing pages that drive higher conversion rates.

Public Relations – …coordinate PR activities with company executives and Sales

Blogs and Social Media – Contribute content and manage the daily production and posting of content for company blogs and social media outlets…

Partner Marketing – Assist in the negotiation and management of joint marketing budgets…

Competitive Intelligence – Maintain close tabs on Logicworks’ key competitors…"

So far, I’d say we are looking at approximately four different people. But it gets better. Check out these excerpts from “Desired Skills & Experience”:

"The Director of Marketing should possess a minimum of five years of hands-on marketing experience in a fast-paced entrepreneurial environment, preferably in the Complex Managed Hosting…arena."

See that? The industry itself has barely been around that long, but you should have already perfected every f*cking aspect of marketing within it. But we’re still not done. The spec includes ONE MORE section redundantly called “Preferred Experience,” with Disney World stuff like this:

"- CRM management and reporting
- Email database management
- Channel marketing
- Working knowledge of the Adobe Creative Suite…and Drupal CMS is a benefit."

That would be more than a “benefit” I would say. More like a fanstasy.

If there is someone who indeed fits every aspect of this profile, and is currently employed, they are already making four times what Logicworks would pay him. (If he is currently unemployed, he wouldn’t even be considered, of course.)

Welcome to the “new normal” for careers in Marketing. This is a job spec for God. Someone who walks on water.

And who will drown trying to get just half of the items on this list accomplished.