A crummy economy depresses employment opportunities, of course, but these times are tougher for Marketing, as we are “the function most likely to be thrown overboard in case of heavy seas.” However, for those with a modicum of experience, there are a surprising number of marketing job openings available.
The problem is, though, you need to walk on water.
Here’s an example – an opening for a Marketing Director at a “Device Recognition Data Products company.” Perhaps the first assignment for the winning candidate would be to come up with a better description for the company, but we digress. For now, take a look at some highlights of this job’s responsibilities and requirements below:
> “A real dynamo, go getter - Can get MD places to speak, etc”
A dynamo for a company too lazy to spell out “MD,” just in case the candidate thought the reference was to Doctors. Plus, how about a period at the end of “etc”?
> “Skills: Solutions Marketing”
There are about a million definitions for “solutions.” There are roughly a billion for “Solutions Marketing.”
> “Agency + Client side (must); Been a Director of marketing at a small co”
Setting aside (lack of) punctuation again as well as the atrocious grammar, we now approach Jesus territory. This company seeks someone who has worked both sides of the aisle, but one side can only be for a “small” company. Highly skilled IBMers need not apply.
> “Knows direct and digital marketing use-cases”
This implies another aisle someone needs to have split – traditional /old-school media, and new-fangled digital. Most job candidates who have the former skills are outright despised by those with the latter. Oil and water.
> “Skills: Corp Marketing”
Damn these abbreviations and punctuations! Anyway, go back to that thing above about “small” companies. How many of those have a “corporate” marketing department? [hint = “none”]
Finally, the cup of grace. Here is a list that follows the “Corp [sic] Marketing” reference above; the assumption being that the candidate must know how to do all of the following:
> “Events; PR; White papers; Positioning a company; Branding; Lead gen; Social marketing; SEM, SEO; Competitor info; PPTs, board meeting presentations, [stray comma]; Sales Decks; Collateral; Website copy”
If such a person existed (they don’t), he or she would be neither unemployed nor looking to work with an assclown outfit like this one. His or her salary expectations would be in the $ 500,000 range. He or she would also need to be roughly 78 years old to have amassed this degree of experience.
Here is the irony for marketing job seekers. If you have at least two of the dozens of What-Would-Jesus-Do requirements listed by a hiring company, go for it. You can Google the other stuff to prepare yourself for the interview.